So in 1998 I had my daughter, Lillian. Her father and I stayed together for approximately 11 months and then we separated. It was not a healthy relationship looking back, so it was all for the good in hindsight.
Nobody tells you what’s right and wrong when you have children. Nobody hands you a book and says, follow this. The only thing you have are your past experiences, and the Heart and knowledge that you have at that moment.
This is about how I met and fell in love with my ex-husbands wife, my daughters bonus mom and my best friend for the last 25 years.
When my ex-husband and I split it was not an easy transition. I went from working part-time to having to find a full-time position, to be a single mother. I found out shortly after he left that he was seeing someone, which broke my heart.
Even though you realize that your relationship might have not worked, it never makes it easier when you have friends saying that they saw the father of your child with someone else. You realize it wasn’t meant to be.
Now I know I could have got irrate and acted crazy and created drama between the two of us. But honestly I was exhausted at that point of that lifestyle.
I had my daughter when I was 21 years old, and before that her father and I had lived in Virginia while he was in the military and he was gone a lot. I grew up very fast going out, hanging out, drinking Etc, all before the age of 21. So at this point being a mother and settling down seemed comfortable.
So a little into my ex-husbands’ new relationship I asked to meet with her. She was willing and she was receptive which was refreshing. We met, just her and I with my daughter and we chatted and I explained to her what I needed for this to work. Which was something my ex-husband did not give me and that is communication. She was open armed and accepted that I wanted to have a relationship with her and allow her to be in my daughter’s life.
It didn’t take long for us to be on the phone or texting about my daughter’s needs or wants. And my ex-husband because he never communicated, didn’t really see the difference. So as a mom team we started this journey, together.
There are a lot of people that thought I was crazy for trusting my ex-husband’s new girlfriend with my little tiny daughter. Or even trusting her with talking to her without my ex-husband involved. My heart felt differently. I felt like I could trust her like she was my own sister. Over the years we grew very close.
So to those people I say, From the age of 11 months old until present day, my daughter is 25 years old, Olivia and I have been the best friends.
When this all started most people would have been hateful and bitter and made everything just more difficult because of their own selfish feelings. But I knew that my ex and I were not a good thing. And I know anyone that’s willing to love my daughter is a good person. So with open arms and Open Hearts, Olivia and I started growing one of the best relationships I have today.
We talked daily due to having shared custody. Most the time it was about our daughter, but not all the time. We started sharing our lives and all it’s ups and downs very early on in our relationship. It seemed like we were meant to be friends.
Some of the things that Olivia and I did together were sitting next to each other on the bleachers while Lillian cheered, taking turns taking her to dentist appointments and doctor’s appointments, making sure she had everything for school at each house whatever day she was there, making her accountable for her grades in school, consoling her when she was Brokenhearted, teaching her how to be a young lady, letting her know about life through a mother’s eyes and always showing her that our relationship as her Moms was a healthy and happy one.
I have very fond memories of Olivia and I being on the phone very late at night for hours on end. That seems to be a status quo with us. Still to this day almost every phone call we have is not a quick one. And I seriously cherish the hell out of that woman for taking the time to be on the phone with me for hours with no judgements.
When our daughter was little our messages and phone calls would always start with something like, “Lillian needs her jacket for the weekend.”, but the conversation would end with our trials and tribulations of that day or that week and us laughing and consoling each other on all of our life issues as moms! And friends!
It was not easy for us to be friendlies. Many people including my family and even Lillian’s Dad, shook their heads in disbelief that our relationship was real or good for my daughter. But I know now that’s because they have no idea how to have a relationship like we have. It takes two, two people willing to open their hearts, two people willing to put all of the anger and bitterness of how they actually came together aside. It takes two in any relationship to make it work why not a bonus mom and bio mom?
One of the funniest stories I have to tell is about our daughters kindergarten registration. She was going to be going to Lititz Elementary. Olivia and I had decided that we both needed all the information to enroll her into kindergarten. And dad was very busy, as usual, so Olivia agreed to go with me. Now mind you this was in the early 2000s. So we met up and walked into the school with Lillian. We got her settled with the teacher that was going to assess her. We continued to where we had to fill out paperwork and get asked all those good questions for kindergarten registration. We sit down at a table and we introduce ourselves as “Lillian’s Moms”. Not even thinking twice about it with a straight face, the lady said “oh, well that’s nice”. Right away Olivia and I looked at each other and knew what she was thinking, that we were ‘together’. We laughed out loud and shook our heads and introduced ourselves, I Said, “no I’m April her mother and this is Olivia her bonus mom she is married to my ex-husband.” The relief on the womans’ face was hysterical. And we laughed out loud and continued the kindergarten registration. That was the first of many awkward events in our relationship. We are and have always been very proud of our relationship with each other as her Moms!
Olivia and I could never understand why people look at us so strange for getting along so well. Honestly even to this day as close as we are I think people still wonder, why? And truthfully… it’s not a WHY? it’s a WHY NOT? I’ve always been a person of fairness. I will treat you how you treat me. Olivia is a very kind thoughtful beautiful soul. And she treated my daughter with such love that there is no way I could not love her. So I think it’s very odd that’s so many are confused about our relationship, like it would have been more accepting if we hated each other as most co-parenting mothers do. I personally did not see any benefit in disliking this woman who cared for my daughter and just happened to be with my ex-husband, who I didn’t want to be with.
Something I think a lot of people don’t understand when it comes to raising children is there is no purpose in keeping someone from loving your child. In fact it infuriates me that so many let their pettiness and their indifferences with the other parents and family members get in the way of children being loved by other people. Olivia and I are the same in that department, you love When you can and love as Much as you can.
And as you see I do say she is “our” daughter. Because she is. I may have given birth to Lillian, but Olivia and I have raised her together, therefore she is “our” daughter. There have been many times when Olivia and I have been talking and I have said ‘Thank you’ to her for helping me raise our daughter. Because if it wasn’t for her, my daughter would not be who she is today. She did not see fighting and arguing between Olivia and I. She saw us laughing and hanging out during a custody exchange and even when we both had other children our boys played together while we chatted over coffee for hours.
Some may still think that this is a weird relationship. And unfortunately the reason why is because it’s more acceptable to be at odds with someone than it is to actually love and get along with them in this situation. Again, we are not those people. In fact I think that we are the exception to most rules when it comes to co-parenting and Blended families.
I’ve been blessed in my lifetime, for both of my children to have nothing but love from all of their parents all of the time. There is no such thing as too much love for a child.
The events that Olivia and I have shared over the 20 plus odd years are all loving life events. Olivia has been part of both of my weddings since Lillian’s dad. She has been to the birth of my only son, Corbin. And I mean she was physically there while I was giving birth. She brought her son Noah, as he was running around the room, our daughter, Lillian was coloring and enjoying the experience.
Throughout the years Olivia and I have shared many fun times. There have been times we’ve had to be moms together, there been times where we just had to be best friends, and there’s been times where we’ve had to be both just to get through whatever life issue was in front of us. The most memorable experiences always ended in US hugging and saying ‘I love you’ to each other. For one of my birthdays Olivia got me a magnet and it said, ” We will Always be Best Friends, Because you know Too much.” And that can’t be a more truer of a statement. Olivia and I have been there for each other in a very non-judgmental way all this time. We are very easy to tell each other the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We will listen to each other vent and cry and then laugh and cry. I really do feel bad for any co-parenting situation that isn’t like ours.
We really do celebrate each other. We celebrate our birthdays, we celebrate our children’s birthdays, we celebrate holidays together, she’s invited to every important event in my life. She has always been there with her quirky ways when I needed her. And if anyone knows me they know I always pick up the phone. But I do especially for Olivia. I know when she text or calls and says “Can you talk?”, that this will be a long conversation which I accept wholeheartedly. We are our go-to people to bounce things off of each other. Both of us have a problem wrapping our heads around why anybody would not want this kind of relationship.
So fast forward through all of our years of mothering and being best friends. It’s now been 25 years of tears and laughter and hugs. I’ve always wanted to share our story to the world. For many reasons, but to show the ones out there that are in that hateful bitter situation with another co-parent that it honestly does not have to be that way and has nothing to do with you, it’s them that are not mature enough for this type of relationship. Unfortunately it does take two for this kind of relationship to work. I am in a situation now where I was willing to be a friend and a mother with the other mom. But the bio mom would rather stay bitter and hateful, and come up with any lame excuse to not coexist as moms, and it’s only sad for the children involved to see that, when they could obviously see a much more loving relationship between two moms. And I lived that, so I know that for a fact. But it only makes me realize how lucky Olivia and I were to have met and fallen in a friendship like we have. It made not only our own lives easier, but our daughter Lillian is the most beautiful, thoughtful, kindest soul I know. She has a little piece of both of us, I would like to think the best pieces of all of us.
For all this time everything has come full circle. From us both raising children separate and together, marriages and divorces, jobs and relationships, all of the struggles of life we have shared. To know that I’m a part of her life as much as she’s a part of mine shows me that… It Is Possible.
So if you are in a situation and you are trying to have a relationship with another parent just know it’s not about you, it’s about that child. Put your differences aside. Think about what that child is seeing through their eyes. Think about how this little fraction of time when they are growing up is going to affect the rest of their lives. Know in your heart that it’s easier to swallow your pride than it is to heal your child’s heart. Take advantage of someone that chose to love your child, and allow them to do so. I can only speak of my situation, and… It Is POSSIBLE.
The children are what makes our world tomorrow. And what kind of world are we going to be living in when we show them nothing but hate and negativity against other people that love them? What kind of world are we going to be living in if all we do is have something bad to say about somebody that is half of them? What kind of world are we going to be living in if these children that we raise into adults, don’t know how to have an open heart to love something that they didn’t make? We will be living in such a nasty ugly world of court systems, money hungry people and unavoidable events. Where Nobody wins.
A letter to Olivia:
Olivia, my Longest Dearest bestest friend, You have been there for every Monumental moment in my life and my daughter’s life. I know we talk a lot on the phone, and I know I thank you endlessly every single time I have to vent about a situation I cannot wrap my head around. But again I want to thank you for coming into my life with an open heart and open arms and always squeezing me and holding me as if I was a part of you. You’ve taken my daughter as your own and I can never thank you enough for being another mother to her in this lifetime. Your shoulders are broad, I know I have laid some heavy shit on you over the years. I really do feel like we carry each other very well. You know I will always be here for you, as you have been for me. Besides the fact that we raised a child together, a fucking great child at that, I want to thank you for being the most] unjudgmental, caring, loving person in my life today. We joked years ago that our friendship was going to be that one on the card with the two old ladies with wrinkled skin, drinks in their hand, sitting in floaties at the beach, looking at each other and just feeling blessed. One day, Olivia, one day. I promise. All my Love, April xoxo ❤️
A letter from Our Daughter Lillian:
To my moms….
I never had a second thought about the two of my moms being friends.
My mom was always around, and when I say my mom I mean both of them. They still are!
Liv was a huge part of my childhood, she taught me unconditional love. This woman is the only one I know that can love someone so hard that you physically feel it when she hugs you. I learned about peace and happiness and being successful by hard work and determination. Liv brought out my “hippie” side that I carry on to this day. I love and respect Liv so much and I couldn’t have asked for a better mom for me and my brothers when I wasn’t with mom.
The friendship that the two of them have I have seen in full force always. It was never hidden from me. It showed me that through all of my trials as a kid being split between houses, that I always had someone there to take care of me.
“Olly” is what I used to call Liv and honestly I can’t remember when I switched to Liv but I think it was when I changed my mindset from kid to adult. Unfortunately that happened pretty early to me, but anytime I’m around Liv I feel like a kid again. I feel like I’m back to sitting around a dining room table saying grace with a resounding “NAMASTE” at the end.
All I can really say without writing a complete book is that I love and adore you Liv. You’re the best mom even if you don’t sometimes feel like it. Same goes for you too momma. You both have made me who I am today and I wouldn’t carry all of this love around in my ginormous heart that the two of you planted and nourished in me, without your friendship. This life is crazy, MY life is crazy and my family is huge. But every aspect is blended and it all started with you. My family would have never been blended so seamlessly if you wouldn’t have paved the way.
I love you 💓 Lillian
Letter from Olivia:
Lilly was born on April 20, 1998. That was day the world got brighter. Who knew that this beautiful sunshine of love would one day become the one to teach me everything about love. Unconditional love is a crazy thing. It changes you. It opens your eyes and your heart in ways you didn’t know were possible. Lilly gave me that.So the story goes that I fell in love with a man that had a daughter. I knew that made him a package deal. So when I gave Dan my heart I also opened it up to a little baby girl. It wasn’t hard. Lilly was easy to love. I had no choice. She had me. She quickly became my everything, my life. My heart and soul started to fill in cracks I didn’t even know were there. She was my missing piece. I was young and finding my way. This little person that I loved so much was leading the way. I was holding her hand so she didn’t fall but she was doing the same. So, in a sense Lilly and I were growing up together. She made me who I am today. Lilly wasn’t the only thing that changed my life and taught me how to love. When you fall in love with someone that has a daughter a package deal isn’t just about the child. This package deal also included an ex wife. People assume that meeting your husband’s ex wife would be stressful or full of drama but I loved Lilly so much. How could I be hateful to a person that helped create this beautiful soul that we both loved. It didn’t make sense to not get to know this woman. We already had something in common. We loved Lilly. Everything we did was for her and that love taught us to put her first. We went against all the stereotypical ex wife-new wife drama. It started as ‘this is for Lilly.’ But it turned into an amazing lifelong friendship. I met my soul sister. And our love and family grew. It’s not blood, it’s love. I always knew that I wanted to smother Lilly with love. I wanted her to feel love, be loved and see love. More love less hate. She deserved that. Lilly and April are my forever unexpected blessings. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. Thank you for letting me into your lives with open hearts and open arms.I love you!!!!! 💕 Olivia
